It is a common question to ask, “How do I improve my communication skills with my partner?” This one question can lead to several conversations and insights to learn, for it covers so many components/dynamics of communication. When I am asked this question, I first look at the barriers that are getting in the way of effective conversation. One barrier that this article will cover is defensive behavior.
Defensive behavior includes countering perspectives, deflecting responsibility, and many more. Oftentimes, you’re feeling vulnerable with thoughts/feelings of “I am bad” which leads to you being defensive. John Gottman shares that the antidote to defensive behavior is “taking accountability”.
I have two stories from clients that show how taking accountability can change the dynamics of communication and lead to healthier communication.
The first story was shared like this: I was packaging our Costco hamburger meat with my wife and we revisited our plans for the play we were to attend later that week, as well as the next night she would go with her mom to the next show. I admit that I forgot who was to watch our kids for these two nights. My therapist helped me see that I assumed what was to happen. My wife asked me if I got the night off of work when she would go with her mom to the show because I needed to watch the kids. I thought her father was going to watch the kids. I told her that I did not want to take the night off for I was going to make a decent amount of money that night.
The husband said in the session that he remembers quite well what he said
during the conversation when his wife told him that he should call her dad and ask if he wanted to watch the kids that night. The husband said, “That is not my responsibility to be in charge of, you need to figure it out.” The husband then said he saw a shift happen in his wife, that her smile went away, and she became quiet and distant.
The couple shared thankfully, it did not escalate, that she simply and calmly responded, “I did not appreciate what you said”, and then clarified what was discussed a month back.
The husband further explained in the session that he remembered feeling the anger he felt after that and the thoughts, “This is not my fault, I don’t want to apologize for what I said,” but at the same time he said he bit his tongue to withhold himself from reacting. The husband continued to point out that he saw the shift in his wife and that he didn’t want that to continue to be the case. The husband said he reflected on his past actions and then applied the Gottman tool to take accountability for what he said and how he knew it came off as insensitive.
He said, “You are right, I should not have said that or used the tone of voice, I can take time off of work and watch the kids, we will be okay.”
He continued to share how once again his wife’s demeanor changed once he took accountability, that his wife became warm, connected with him again, and had a desire to spend quality time with him. The husband shared while they were in session that he was glad he took accountability even though it was hard, that it allowed them to further explore options for their situation, and allow them to have a wonderful evening together.
The couple reported feeling the communication difference when using the accountability tool, that it helped him improve their communication to a healthier version. This can work for you as well, you can be a better version of yourself when you apply accountability.
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